I found some empty picture frames this afternoon. They've been empty since I bought them last year, having been too lazy to go through my pile of pictures to find ones that would fit. So today, procrastinating on my already backed up school work, I pulled the shoe box from the closet and set to work revisiting the past. It's funny how when I used to develop film, I would dread picking it up fearing my face would be awkward or contorted in my pictures. It always felt like a waste of money to get them back only to find I could only pull a couple of good ones from the bunch. Looking at them today I wondered what was wrong with me then. Pictures I would have quickly passed over, I'd be more than willing to put in a frame now.
What surprised me most I suppose is looking at pictures from highschool and the first years of university. I used to think I was ugly. Though not skinny like most girls, my mind translated that into the idea that I was fat. As I looked at them today, I realized that my body wasn't shameful like I felt it was. What I was embarassed about then, today I would be proud of. I looked at them wishing that I could look the same way today, and now I'm feeling a little depressed.
How different my life might have been if my eyes were different. If only I saw then what I see now maybe I would have been more confident, have had more friends, been happy with myself.
It gives me some encouragement now to know that I have image difficulties, and that they may be distorted and wrong. I suppose everyone does in some way though.
So, with these new realizations, I'm going to kick the self pity to the curb and try to be happy with who I am now, at this moment. I don't want to miss out anymore. So in 5 years when I look back on pictures from today, I'll know I was beautiful and that I was happy.